Valentine’s Day

A handy form letter which many of you may need to use tonight. My condolences.

February 14, 2011

Dear ____________________ (insert boyfriend/husband’s name here):

It is a cruel thing to break up with someone on Valentine’s Day, but I feel I must with you. No, it was not the cheap chocolate or the plagiarized poem, but something far more heinous and unforgiveable: you made me watch Valentine’s Day.

Why, my darling, did you do that to me? I know we have our problems, but do you hate me that much that you would hand me this cinematic love letter to imbecility? Taylor Lautner, Ashton Kutcher, Julia Roberts, Jessica Alba, Bradley Cooper, Jamie Foxx, Patrick Dempsey, Jennifer Garner, Queen Latifah, Taylor Swift, Anne Hathaway: even the cast of big-name stars couldn’t save this dog. Did you think Patrick Dempsey’s handsome face would blind me to the fact that you had just inserted a rancid turd of nonsense into my Blu-ray player? Please. I am a woman of taste and standards! Who recommended this movie to you? A Team Jacob Twi-hard? Or on the way to Blockbuster, did Cupid’s arrow strike you in the forehead, accidentally disconnecting your frontal lobe from your limbic system thereby lobotomizing you? That is the only explanation I will accept.

Valentine’s Day wants to be the American answer to the Britain-based Love Actually, but it absolutely doesn’t work. I didn’t give a flying whoopdeedoo about any of these characters. The movie is so full of tired ideas that any hint at something clever is lost amidst the debris. “Love is the only shocking act left on the planet,” says Alphonso the florist. No, love is the third most shocking act left on the planet. Making this movie is the first, and my boyfriend/husband (circle one) renting it for me because it’s got Ashton Kutcher on the cover is the second.

There are a thousand movies out there more romantic than Valentine’s Day —PlatoonSchindler’s List, and Saw, to name just a few.  I have no choice but to take your movie selection personally, and therefore, __________________ (insert boyfriend/husband’s name), our relationship is through.

I do not heart Valentine’s Day. And I fear, darling, that I no longer heart you. Take your movie and go! But leave the cheap chocolate.

Regretfully yours,

________________________ (your name here)

1 Comment »

  1. Leaidan said

    TYVM you’ve solved all my plorbems

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